Saturday, July 16, 2011

Sometimes two is not better than one

To be heard, to be understood, is alluring and sweet, but the offer of clarity from the broken is not possible. It doesn’t exist, only a complicated mess of rules from lessons learned. So feel when it promises to come back and for all the stupidity in the world, give it grace. There is no apology, only the perception of my ability and its limited use. Words loose their meaning, and numbness is beautiful. You were right to question the depth, but I couldn’t hear you anymore. To give so much when you have so little to give too is a shame, and could not be returned, but I am not sorry. Love is broken when given from broken people and perfection can not be anything more than a product of the imagination. If you wanted the perfect friend you should have gone to God…If you wanted love you should have gone to God. If you wanted someone to hold you up without stumbling, you should have gone to Him too.

After all, everyone else is only human.

Sunday, March 27, 2011


Due to too many certain people that are now on my facebook, my blogger is no longer going to be available through that. Now...I have freedom. :D I decided it wasn't worth going back and deleting blog entries and severely editing posts.


To all the people we can’t help: one in particular

No one can help you. You will sit there trying to put into words how you feel, but nothing seems able to explain it. You feel isolated and all alone, but you can’t tell anyone why you feel that way…because you haven’t figured it out yet yourself. All the reasons you come up with seem silly, and after all, weren’t that big of a deal, and you are too strong of a person to let that effect you. But now you’re back to having to figure out why you feel so different.

People switch from looking like your friends to looking like people who will hurt you if you let them in. You push the people who actually care about you away because they look like a threat to your feelings of self worth. Not to mention you can’t get off survival mode. People love you, and why wouldn’t they? You understand pain to a deeper level than they even do and you therefore do not find it hard to understand them. We all love people who understand us because that is when we feel like we’re in good company and are being accepted. But for being so loved you feel like they’re going to leave you eventually. They’ll find out who you really are.

By now you’ve probably developed coping mechanisms in the form of bad habits that keep you even more alone. Maybe you cut yourself. Maybe you drink. Maybe you attract drama to keep your mind busy; never mind that you couldn’t stop from thinking even if you wanted to. Well, now who will save you? You can fake it for everyone. No one sees past your walls. Congratulations, you’re smarter than the rest of them. You’re smarter than me.    

You don’t know what you want from other people. You want them to make you happy but you cover it up by telling them how concerned you are for them. You've discovered how to create a road that goes two ways. Those last longer. And besides, you're not selfish enough to make it all about you. You want to be happy, but you can’t see past your own pain to know what you want or who you want. But it’s very stable. You make it that way. You’re a survivor. But still…no one understands.      

No other person can fix you. You’re always going to feel like you’re on the other side of the fence. The only one who can get through to you and never let you down is God. If you do not want a relationship with Him than you are always going to feel alone because your pain is not like the others around you…and that makes you alone. Even if you found someone who could understand you, well, now you’re both in the water and couldn’t help each other. Chances are, they will let you down at some point and you’ll be left feeling even more broken.

My Q: How do you help someone who can’t be helped.

I don’t know.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Oh to Understand the World of Men

A couple weeks ago I sat in Starbucks, doing my school work, when a man stopped to make an observation. In the course of the conversation, I learned he was a bit of a fascinating fellow, who within five minutes was telling me that he knew I was the type of person who did not like this or that….and the fascinating part was that he was accurate. Afterwards, he asked if I’d be interested in meeting for coffee sometime. Strangers are like a book yet to be read so of course I said yes.

I did meet him again. We really had nothing in common but we talked about ways to invest in real estate, school (he’d gotten his bachelors already), job interviews, contentment vs happiness, etc…he was very liberal, to say the least. So between working full time, having school full time, and squeezing in a hobby on the side I really wasn’t dying to meet up again in the next day or so.

The story ends with me not getting back to him within 1.5 days (hello, some of us have a life) and him writing me a letter telling me how evil I was.

What I don’t understand is if you take the time to explain the whys and whatnot they get upset. When you don’t explain to someone they still get upset. So, apparently, you can’t win. A great portion of the male population is too focused on their egos to think logically and be a little mature in times like this.

Originally, I was thinking that if you were going to date/hang out with someone with the pretense of simply getting to know each other (a big IF for those of us who really don’t like the whole dating feeling…) then you should choose a stranger. But now, I’m beginning to see why I’ve been content to focus on my schoolwork for the past two years. I surely wasn’t missing out on anything. Men are complicated creatures.


Sunday, February 6, 2011

Life: The Saddest Place to Live

A hard reality of life: you can’t help everyone. In fact, the more you try the more you realize people are the only ones that can help themselves and there is little you can do in the processes. The majority of problems are things that you can not fix.

It’s not like a dance step where you can explain it and everything’s all better.

Between life’s disappointments, Mallow’s hierarchy of needs, specifically Esteem and Self Actualization, never fully reached, and everything else in between I think it’s pretty reasonable to say life is a sad sad place to live.

Even Plato understood that. His words of advice: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

I was with my mom and my sister the other day, walking through Ikea when I saw the most unmanly thing I’ve seen for a while. A couple were walking and the pregnant woman was caring a chair and a big bag. What was he carrying? Starbucks coffee. Other way around please!


Saturday, January 29, 2011

My Poor Sister

This is for all of us that have sister(s). Those of us who have them know that we couldn't ever live without them. Especially, older sisters. Who else is going to think it's a big deal too if you don't like your hair cut? And who else is going to read over a text message and help you word it and put to rest your fears that it doesn't "sound" right?

I once came home from a date and wrote my sister three pages describing my night and conveying my uneasy thoughts. It was complete with, he said this and then I did this and then he said this which made me feel like this etc...seriously, who else would read a novel long documented description of a date and then proceed with thoughtful advice on the matter? Or really help you contemplate if you should get the red one or the blue one? I really do put her through a lot, and thanks to FB she still can't escape even though she's all the way in Europe. :P

Going to college would never have entered my mind on my own, but it is one of the best things I've ever done. I feel so much smarter. :D And I never would have started ballroom dancing. I remember being forced to look at my studios website and having no interest in it.

So thank God some of us have sisters! XD This is of course not to make those of you who don't feel like you are missing out...even though, are.

Oh, and by the way, the next time you’re in one of those situations where you don’t know how to turn someone down, don’t worry. Nature has given you a way. Tell them that your body is not responding to their pheromones and therefore, you find you have no attraction for them, but it has nothing to do with their personality. For those who don't know about pheromones, we subconsciously smell each other, forming a root (note: not the only root) of sexual attraction. Generally speaking, that is why we are not attracted to our family members or people of the same sex; we don't respond to their pheromones, which is a leading argument for, "I was born gay." Sure buddy. Blame it on your pheromones.

I really do think that pheromones are one of the coolest things! I even made it part of one of my email addresses.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Others

Imagine there’s a fence and you’re either on one side or the other. One side is filled with people who say, life is nothing but awesome! When they do complain they complain about how boys are such jerks and how it’s so hard to find a pair of jeans that fit right. Gender depending of course. As for the males, they seem to like to find a way to show how smart they are; which they generally are. But when you say something abstract or depressing you are met with blank looks.

The other side of the fence is where you find people who understand more complex feelings that don’t stop at, I’m still single…like oh my God!

This is not to undermine those feelings. They say everyone feels their own pain to the same extent. It’s very real to us no matter how minor. Sometimes when I’m at my studio and find myself talking to someone who’s day is ruined because of a minor occurrence I have to pause and realize that because it’s a big deal to them, and for no other reason then that, I will look at it as a big deal too. Kind of like the sister code. Someone made you upset? Ok…who am I hating today? :)

We will seek out the company of people who have simply said I understand or who we think wont judge us. This opinion is probably biased from living in a small town. The only negative side of small towns are the people.  

At one point I reasoned with a dear relative of mine a particular behavior and why someone would do it. He said he couldn’t understand the correlation in regards to himself, but could understand how someone else might do that to achieve that outcome.

He could wrap his mind around it because of his past experiences. The result is an empathetic person as apposed to a judgmental person. Or in the least a person who can understand. Ever said something and had someone stare at you with that blank look and then say, “You’re weird,”?

So if you find yourself being confused by the things other people say then…well, you know what side of the fence you’re on. If you can't understand where someone is coming from...try.   

I have to add that the beautiful aspect of metal music or music where they scream 1/4 of the time (AFI is the best) is that it’s kind of like finding common ground in an inpersonal way. They’re screaming about something and if you listen to them it’s kind of like screaming with them. It doesn’t have to be about the same thing or even matter what it's about.


Thursday, January 13, 2011

Your Beautiful Body

I’ve come to the conclusion that men that get large tattoos deal with insecurity and have low confidence. Most outward statements make a louder inside statement. If there was one thing I could say to a particular boy I know it would be, what have you done to your beautiful body?! Shirtless will now mean showing off a life size picture on your skin.

But maybe I’m just biased since I think the male body is beautiful. Not in a sexual way, but for what it represents, which is everything that God intended it to.

Funny how when you tell someone who has low confidence that they did a good job (when of course they really did do a good job) they often times simply shrug and say that it was just luck. As was the case with Mr. Cha Cha (his nick name, which is fitting because he actually did the Cha Cha).    

Now that school is back so is caffeine for me. Unfortunately, my body doesn’t share the positive view I have of coffee. The other day I thought I saw a figure walk by in the corner of my eye in the reflection of a window. Funny how real these things can look.

My car is in the middle of being worked on, which makes me very happy because I was starting not to trust it. I have the amazing fortune of having a father that is a mechanic. I’m starting to think I should marry a mechanic. They do say girls tend to go for a man who has characteristics of her father.


P.S. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t see anything wrong with tattoos…but please think twice before you stick something permanent on that takes up half your upper body.  

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

You Have Issues…I Just Know It

So, everybody uses defense mechanisms, right? Correct. It’s your minds way of protecting yourself, and therefore they are a good thing; unless you rely on them extensively. On learning about this subject I became fascinated at looking at people I interacted with and seeing what they used. People tend to gravitate towards one or two.

I might have taken it too far when once when someone stood there getting mad at me and the thoughts in my head were, “Is this displacement or is she really mad at me?”

I’m only going to mention the ones I’ve seen the most in real life …

1. Displacement

You’re mad at your teacher but you’re taking it out on me. Or maybe you’re stressed. Note to self: don’t take it too personally and when the tables are turned remember this when I’m yelling at you =)

2.  Suppression

You consciously try to forget something because it is too unpleasant to think about. Unfortunately, if you do this then you could also be suppressing your emotions associated with the situation. You are not dealing with them and they wont just go away. You will walk around with them. Possibly forever. Just saying…

3. Projection

Self preservation of the ego (not Frued’s ego…okay, only psychology lovers will get that). You like to blame your mistakes on other people. It's not me, it's you. I’m going to assume this also means your locus of control is external. It’s not good because you could hurt a lot of people.

4. Rationalization

I love this one. We create our own logic. Example: I would totally date him, but wait…he didn’t ask me out! Whatever, he probably is an immature kid. It would have been disastrous. Boy am I lucky he didn’t ask me out. :P

5. Withdrawal

You’d rather not interact with the world. For whatever reasons you find the interaction unpleasant. Call it self-isolation, which actually leads you to withdraw even more. Down the lonely path we go…

Note: Anti Social is someone who doesn’t care about society so just because someone doesn’t socialize doesn’t mean they’re anti social. Common misplaced word. I was often called anti social in my childhood…no worries, I wasn’t. I was simply self-sufficient.    

6. Identification

You lack self confidence and need your peers or some form of a group for you to be part of. I usually think of those poor young people who are trying so hard to get into the cool group. 

Just thought you all should know you probably overuse one and therefore you have issues (that's good news for those of us who would like to try and diagnose you). It’s okay, just don’t forget you are a unique human being…just like everybody else.


Thursday, January 6, 2011

Abnormal Art...Isn't it Beautiful.

Question: What picture grabs your attention more?

The beautiful sunset of Claude Monet

Or the expressionist painting of Edvard Munch

Exactly. And that is why I like abnormal art. It can be expressionist, gothic, etc...anything but pointillism is probably decent enough. There’s something about an abnormal pictures that stays in your mind longer and makes you stop and think, what the heck is going on? Art is to be admired, but it is also to be pondered. Sunsets are beautiful, but yeah, it’s just a sunset.

It’s like reading a story by Edgar Allen Poe. It psychologically says, let’s go deeper.

I've always liked The Scream. I think it's beautiful. More so than the sunset or any other pretty picture people come up with.

Here's a quote from the author of The Scream:

"I was walking along a path with two friends — the sun was setting — suddenly the sky turned blood red — I paused, feeling exhausted, and leaned on the fence — there was blood and tongues of fire above the blue-black fjord and the city — my friends walked on, and I stood there trembling with anxiety — and I sensed an infinite scream passing through nature."


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Unnoble intentions

We meet so many people in life, and they all are so very different from each other and going through different stages it’s hard to know how one is suppose to properly handle a particular person. Especially when 95% of your brain is thinking about yourself, and the fact that there’s a million sides to a person you can’t see. Of course, it would get slightly tiring to walk around like you’re walking on glass, hoping you’re handling everyone right. Life’s tough and you’re probably going to hurt someone, treat someone wrong, go at them with selfish motives, and you’re probably going to learn from it…and then mess up again. So, what is one to do?

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
—Romans 12:9-10

That’s as good as it gets. Get ready to fall short. =)


Saturday, January 1, 2011

From champagne to Pretty Dresses to Drunk Lesbians…Hello 2011!

I anticipated a quiet evening at home doing nothing for my New Year’s Eve. I know, I’m getting old before my time. I went to a dance at my studio the day before and found the person I related to the most was an older man who planned on spending it with his dogs. I hope those are some nice dogs…coming from a person who doesn't really like cats and dogs. :P But during this party I won a free ticket to a New Year’s event at a hotel. Way cool, as I would never have spent the money on it myself.

I met other people from my studio there and we soon found our tables. As luck would have it I sat next to a man who remembered what it was like to be 19. “Look,” I said, “They gave me tickets for two free drinks. Do you think I could use them?” His answer was you never know till you try. I didn’t have to though. Shall I say more? Nah. My mom might read this, lol.

 The dance floor was incredibly small and crowded. It was fun not to have to think about executing steps in perfect fashion and dance frame for a night. It’s freedom to break every rule. You don’t even need a partner if you don’t want one. And if you do have one, the best part is getting them to dance in a more freestyle way than they are doing.

Their live band had a saxophone player. That really is one of the best instruments. And of course they also had a pretty lady singer, who made everyone look better.

Ironically, the last time I was at this hotel it was for a Pentecostal Revival with some friends. Now we’re hopping around on the dance floor. Same room and everything.

It was after we welcomed in the New Year, screamed as the balloons came falling down and continued dancing into the night (I know, technically, it would be morning, but that doesn’t sound right) that I was greeted by a giggling pretty girl who used her high alcohol level to join my dance space. She was fun, though slightly out of control, until I came to the conclusion that she was not simply drunk, but probably a lesbian as well. Suffice to say I took her hands and changed the “dance.”

Note to idiot men who take pictures of women dancing together: you’re idiots.

Anyway, Happy New Year to everyone!