Sunday, March 27, 2011


Due to too many certain people that are now on my facebook, my blogger is no longer going to be available through that. Now...I have freedom. :D I decided it wasn't worth going back and deleting blog entries and severely editing posts.


To all the people we can’t help: one in particular

No one can help you. You will sit there trying to put into words how you feel, but nothing seems able to explain it. You feel isolated and all alone, but you can’t tell anyone why you feel that way…because you haven’t figured it out yet yourself. All the reasons you come up with seem silly, and after all, weren’t that big of a deal, and you are too strong of a person to let that effect you. But now you’re back to having to figure out why you feel so different.

People switch from looking like your friends to looking like people who will hurt you if you let them in. You push the people who actually care about you away because they look like a threat to your feelings of self worth. Not to mention you can’t get off survival mode. People love you, and why wouldn’t they? You understand pain to a deeper level than they even do and you therefore do not find it hard to understand them. We all love people who understand us because that is when we feel like we’re in good company and are being accepted. But for being so loved you feel like they’re going to leave you eventually. They’ll find out who you really are.

By now you’ve probably developed coping mechanisms in the form of bad habits that keep you even more alone. Maybe you cut yourself. Maybe you drink. Maybe you attract drama to keep your mind busy; never mind that you couldn’t stop from thinking even if you wanted to. Well, now who will save you? You can fake it for everyone. No one sees past your walls. Congratulations, you’re smarter than the rest of them. You’re smarter than me.    

You don’t know what you want from other people. You want them to make you happy but you cover it up by telling them how concerned you are for them. You've discovered how to create a road that goes two ways. Those last longer. And besides, you're not selfish enough to make it all about you. You want to be happy, but you can’t see past your own pain to know what you want or who you want. But it’s very stable. You make it that way. You’re a survivor. But still…no one understands.      

No other person can fix you. You’re always going to feel like you’re on the other side of the fence. The only one who can get through to you and never let you down is God. If you do not want a relationship with Him than you are always going to feel alone because your pain is not like the others around you…and that makes you alone. Even if you found someone who could understand you, well, now you’re both in the water and couldn’t help each other. Chances are, they will let you down at some point and you’ll be left feeling even more broken.

My Q: How do you help someone who can’t be helped.

I don’t know.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Oh to Understand the World of Men

A couple weeks ago I sat in Starbucks, doing my school work, when a man stopped to make an observation. In the course of the conversation, I learned he was a bit of a fascinating fellow, who within five minutes was telling me that he knew I was the type of person who did not like this or that….and the fascinating part was that he was accurate. Afterwards, he asked if I’d be interested in meeting for coffee sometime. Strangers are like a book yet to be read so of course I said yes.

I did meet him again. We really had nothing in common but we talked about ways to invest in real estate, school (he’d gotten his bachelors already), job interviews, contentment vs happiness, etc…he was very liberal, to say the least. So between working full time, having school full time, and squeezing in a hobby on the side I really wasn’t dying to meet up again in the next day or so.

The story ends with me not getting back to him within 1.5 days (hello, some of us have a life) and him writing me a letter telling me how evil I was.

What I don’t understand is if you take the time to explain the whys and whatnot they get upset. When you don’t explain to someone they still get upset. So, apparently, you can’t win. A great portion of the male population is too focused on their egos to think logically and be a little mature in times like this.

Originally, I was thinking that if you were going to date/hang out with someone with the pretense of simply getting to know each other (a big IF for those of us who really don’t like the whole dating feeling…) then you should choose a stranger. But now, I’m beginning to see why I’ve been content to focus on my schoolwork for the past two years. I surely wasn’t missing out on anything. Men are complicated creatures.