Saturday, July 16, 2011

Sometimes two is not better than one

To be heard, to be understood, is alluring and sweet, but the offer of clarity from the broken is not possible. It doesn’t exist, only a complicated mess of rules from lessons learned. So feel when it promises to come back and for all the stupidity in the world, give it grace. There is no apology, only the perception of my ability and its limited use. Words loose their meaning, and numbness is beautiful. You were right to question the depth, but I couldn’t hear you anymore. To give so much when you have so little to give too is a shame, and could not be returned, but I am not sorry. Love is broken when given from broken people and perfection can not be anything more than a product of the imagination. If you wanted the perfect friend you should have gone to God…If you wanted love you should have gone to God. If you wanted someone to hold you up without stumbling, you should have gone to Him too.

After all, everyone else is only human.

Sunday, March 27, 2011


Due to too many certain people that are now on my facebook, my blogger is no longer going to be available through that. Now...I have freedom. :D I decided it wasn't worth going back and deleting blog entries and severely editing posts.


To all the people we can’t help: one in particular

No one can help you. You will sit there trying to put into words how you feel, but nothing seems able to explain it. You feel isolated and all alone, but you can’t tell anyone why you feel that way…because you haven’t figured it out yet yourself. All the reasons you come up with seem silly, and after all, weren’t that big of a deal, and you are too strong of a person to let that effect you. But now you’re back to having to figure out why you feel so different.

People switch from looking like your friends to looking like people who will hurt you if you let them in. You push the people who actually care about you away because they look like a threat to your feelings of self worth. Not to mention you can’t get off survival mode. People love you, and why wouldn’t they? You understand pain to a deeper level than they even do and you therefore do not find it hard to understand them. We all love people who understand us because that is when we feel like we’re in good company and are being accepted. But for being so loved you feel like they’re going to leave you eventually. They’ll find out who you really are.

By now you’ve probably developed coping mechanisms in the form of bad habits that keep you even more alone. Maybe you cut yourself. Maybe you drink. Maybe you attract drama to keep your mind busy; never mind that you couldn’t stop from thinking even if you wanted to. Well, now who will save you? You can fake it for everyone. No one sees past your walls. Congratulations, you’re smarter than the rest of them. You’re smarter than me.    

You don’t know what you want from other people. You want them to make you happy but you cover it up by telling them how concerned you are for them. You've discovered how to create a road that goes two ways. Those last longer. And besides, you're not selfish enough to make it all about you. You want to be happy, but you can’t see past your own pain to know what you want or who you want. But it’s very stable. You make it that way. You’re a survivor. But still…no one understands.      

No other person can fix you. You’re always going to feel like you’re on the other side of the fence. The only one who can get through to you and never let you down is God. If you do not want a relationship with Him than you are always going to feel alone because your pain is not like the others around you…and that makes you alone. Even if you found someone who could understand you, well, now you’re both in the water and couldn’t help each other. Chances are, they will let you down at some point and you’ll be left feeling even more broken.

My Q: How do you help someone who can’t be helped.

I don’t know.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Oh to Understand the World of Men

A couple weeks ago I sat in Starbucks, doing my school work, when a man stopped to make an observation. In the course of the conversation, I learned he was a bit of a fascinating fellow, who within five minutes was telling me that he knew I was the type of person who did not like this or that….and the fascinating part was that he was accurate. Afterwards, he asked if I’d be interested in meeting for coffee sometime. Strangers are like a book yet to be read so of course I said yes.

I did meet him again. We really had nothing in common but we talked about ways to invest in real estate, school (he’d gotten his bachelors already), job interviews, contentment vs happiness, etc…he was very liberal, to say the least. So between working full time, having school full time, and squeezing in a hobby on the side I really wasn’t dying to meet up again in the next day or so.

The story ends with me not getting back to him within 1.5 days (hello, some of us have a life) and him writing me a letter telling me how evil I was.

What I don’t understand is if you take the time to explain the whys and whatnot they get upset. When you don’t explain to someone they still get upset. So, apparently, you can’t win. A great portion of the male population is too focused on their egos to think logically and be a little mature in times like this.

Originally, I was thinking that if you were going to date/hang out with someone with the pretense of simply getting to know each other (a big IF for those of us who really don’t like the whole dating feeling…) then you should choose a stranger. But now, I’m beginning to see why I’ve been content to focus on my schoolwork for the past two years. I surely wasn’t missing out on anything. Men are complicated creatures.


Sunday, February 6, 2011

Life: The Saddest Place to Live

A hard reality of life: you can’t help everyone. In fact, the more you try the more you realize people are the only ones that can help themselves and there is little you can do in the processes. The majority of problems are things that you can not fix.

It’s not like a dance step where you can explain it and everything’s all better.

Between life’s disappointments, Mallow’s hierarchy of needs, specifically Esteem and Self Actualization, never fully reached, and everything else in between I think it’s pretty reasonable to say life is a sad sad place to live.

Even Plato understood that. His words of advice: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

I was with my mom and my sister the other day, walking through Ikea when I saw the most unmanly thing I’ve seen for a while. A couple were walking and the pregnant woman was caring a chair and a big bag. What was he carrying? Starbucks coffee. Other way around please!


Saturday, January 29, 2011

My Poor Sister

This is for all of us that have sister(s). Those of us who have them know that we couldn't ever live without them. Especially, older sisters. Who else is going to think it's a big deal too if you don't like your hair cut? And who else is going to read over a text message and help you word it and put to rest your fears that it doesn't "sound" right?

I once came home from a date and wrote my sister three pages describing my night and conveying my uneasy thoughts. It was complete with, he said this and then I did this and then he said this which made me feel like this etc...seriously, who else would read a novel long documented description of a date and then proceed with thoughtful advice on the matter? Or really help you contemplate if you should get the red one or the blue one? I really do put her through a lot, and thanks to FB she still can't escape even though she's all the way in Europe. :P

Going to college would never have entered my mind on my own, but it is one of the best things I've ever done. I feel so much smarter. :D And I never would have started ballroom dancing. I remember being forced to look at my studios website and having no interest in it.

So thank God some of us have sisters! XD This is of course not to make those of you who don't feel like you are missing out...even though, are.

Oh, and by the way, the next time you’re in one of those situations where you don’t know how to turn someone down, don’t worry. Nature has given you a way. Tell them that your body is not responding to their pheromones and therefore, you find you have no attraction for them, but it has nothing to do with their personality. For those who don't know about pheromones, we subconsciously smell each other, forming a root (note: not the only root) of sexual attraction. Generally speaking, that is why we are not attracted to our family members or people of the same sex; we don't respond to their pheromones, which is a leading argument for, "I was born gay." Sure buddy. Blame it on your pheromones.

I really do think that pheromones are one of the coolest things! I even made it part of one of my email addresses.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Others

Imagine there’s a fence and you’re either on one side or the other. One side is filled with people who say, life is nothing but awesome! When they do complain they complain about how boys are such jerks and how it’s so hard to find a pair of jeans that fit right. Gender depending of course. As for the males, they seem to like to find a way to show how smart they are; which they generally are. But when you say something abstract or depressing you are met with blank looks.

The other side of the fence is where you find people who understand more complex feelings that don’t stop at, I’m still single…like oh my God!

This is not to undermine those feelings. They say everyone feels their own pain to the same extent. It’s very real to us no matter how minor. Sometimes when I’m at my studio and find myself talking to someone who’s day is ruined because of a minor occurrence I have to pause and realize that because it’s a big deal to them, and for no other reason then that, I will look at it as a big deal too. Kind of like the sister code. Someone made you upset? Ok…who am I hating today? :)

We will seek out the company of people who have simply said I understand or who we think wont judge us. This opinion is probably biased from living in a small town. The only negative side of small towns are the people.  

At one point I reasoned with a dear relative of mine a particular behavior and why someone would do it. He said he couldn’t understand the correlation in regards to himself, but could understand how someone else might do that to achieve that outcome.

He could wrap his mind around it because of his past experiences. The result is an empathetic person as apposed to a judgmental person. Or in the least a person who can understand. Ever said something and had someone stare at you with that blank look and then say, “You’re weird,”?

So if you find yourself being confused by the things other people say then…well, you know what side of the fence you’re on. If you can't understand where someone is coming from...try.   

I have to add that the beautiful aspect of metal music or music where they scream 1/4 of the time (AFI is the best) is that it’s kind of like finding common ground in an inpersonal way. They’re screaming about something and if you listen to them it’s kind of like screaming with them. It doesn’t have to be about the same thing or even matter what it's about.